I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
One minute shes telling me about her volunteer work then she whips out a 12 inch dildo
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
My roommate has every episode of Full House. I'm going to fail my midterm tomorrow.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
True idk how my parents didn't know I was blackout. I ate like 4 pieces of cheesecake and showed my cousins my boobs
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
have you ever seen all dogs go to heaven this is important
Honestly I don't even have room for feelings after that Taco Bell
Like, I just want a guy who will drop what he's doing to come touch my vagina whenever I want and to leave me the hell alone whenever I want. Is that SO MUCH TO ASK??
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
i buy too many watermelons when I'm drunk
Randomize
