i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I tried ok? my penis just doesnt like her as much as my mother does
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
sigh, if only his dick was as big as his mouth
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
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