If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
ID DO HER
SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK
Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
Randomize
