Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice
high in an attic. pig roast in 10.
when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Sorry for trying to baptize you last night
You knew the entire thing in Latin I was so impressed
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
Randomize
