You know how britney does the hair flip too much in her new videos? Thats me right now
If you liked it then you shoulda put your dick in it, oh uh uh oh
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.
His dick is a spiritual experience and meditation is very important to me.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
I'm glad I didn't see Grandma stumbling drunk and peeing herself...it would be like seeing my future.
Randomize
