Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
i wanna meet her so much more now that I know she got toed in a hottub.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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