ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?
Seriously?
100%
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
I got arrested FOR running from the cops. In college Dad got arrested and THEN ran from the cops. So it could be worse.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
