You should have seen k-money last night. She was just hanging on to the toilet for half the night. By her fourth trip to puke, she started talking to it and was doing the voices for her and it. She kept saying "...we thank you for your continued business..." haha
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
bring money and cleavage
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Dude this breakup has officially hit rock bottom. sitting around watching women's NCAA basketball instead of going out
Hey, just wanted to let you know that University Police stopped by and repossessed the stolen laundry basket. And the 8 bottles of detergent.
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Because of my cut offs, my brother is convinced I fucked a girl so hard she forgot to take her pants. Fairly accurate.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
