Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
So, sleeping with all of my Vicodin in my bra because I knew she'd be searching my room for drugs tonight. I'LL SHOW HER.
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
sorry I blacked out our whole relationship
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
