I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
He went through and tagged himself on my crotch in all of my facebook pics
All the good ones are taken. All that's left is the Harry Potter geek or the asshole in the corner. I think I'll settle for Harry Potter.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
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