I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
He got up when I started trying to balance my wine glass on his head.
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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