Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
they thought it would be fun to get out their yearbook and see who hooked up with the most guys..I won...I don't even go to the same school
If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
I made out with 4 out of 4 girls I was out with last night, I'm pretty sure everyone knows I'm a lesbian by now
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
(440): please tell me you didn't have sex in my dress.. IT'S A VIRGIN DRESS.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
Randomize
