Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I was woken up at 4am by a stranger shaking my foot who said I looked like I needed a cigarette.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
Well its official, I'm into significantly freakier sex than even I thought possible.
I knew you were cut off when you tried to order a "Phil Collins"
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
You thought the flashing lights were strobe lights when they were loading you into the ambulance. You asked the EMT if he had any X.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
