just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
I literally might walk of shame home on a cable car. If that doesn't scream San Francisco I don't know what does
And for some reason I just want to have sex with EVERYTHING
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I needed 3am water. Not 3am shots of rum.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
