I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Randomize
