wake up i wanna do it froggy style
the only girl from my high schools graduating class coming to our school next year went stag to prom and still has braces...
dibs.
A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Would it be weird if I congratulated the guy who almost broke up my marriage for working on the marriage equality bill? You know, thanks for fighting for the sanctity of marriage. Weird, right?
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
that may or may not have been my penis.
Randomize
