he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
Gave a homeless guy 3 bucks earlier. Just saw him at the bar. He bought one beer and left. Happy to see my 3 dollars was well spent
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
There's a bull to ride and dancing on the bar is encouraged. This is my heaven. And this is why god made leopard tube tops.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
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