My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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