new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"
I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i was so high i thought the horse on my poster was running
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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