oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
We passed out in his car so I had to find a way to inconspiciously make my walk of shame back inside to go get my shit. To make things more difficult I had no pants and the whole neighborhood was awake
.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
That means I have to put pants on. That is not something I am willing to do right now.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I'm literally watching a webcam of the Vegas strip right now and it is making me sad.
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