did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
I felt like Norm from Cheers walking into the free clinic.
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
seriously they are like going to hulk burst through. There are perks and downfalls to having big boobs
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
The guy whose house were at is drunkenly reading green eggs and ham to us in German
Randomize
