apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
Last awkward moment of 2011: your ex gf grinding on me in front of her husband.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I told him I had an IUD and he asked me how was a bomb a form of birth control..
I put the area codes from ludacris' "area codes" into our expensive data visualization software at work, it's been a productive day
All I've done today is nap, eat candy and get off from my vibrator. I didn't know it was possible to be THIS single.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
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