If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Dude. Zebras have bad attitudes.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
The wizard has you scheduled for a 6am sex breakfast
I'm so there
When you are 21 it's acceptable to run out of the tavern and puke all over the bike rack... when you are 35 it's called alcoholism.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
SHE POOPED THE CONDOM WHOLE
Randomize
