Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.
I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.
Just found a g string in our driveway, wtf happened this weekend?
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
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