I wanna eat
then frost
then eat your cupcake
quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl
you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
if i actually get asked out by my dealer what could happen?
i don't know, but it probably involves bathtubs full of weed
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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