i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Sounds like sex on a twister board.
An idea that is both hilarious and intriguing...
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
I hate drunk me more than anyone else in this world
And he's in a frat. Everyone in a frat is gay. It's science.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Look at us. Planning our business meeting. Including snacks like shrooms & trail mix.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
