2 nights ago she wants to see other people, tonight she wants to have a threesome. The GOOD kind of threesome. So... win?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
They ran out of toilet paper, so I had a girl rip down the streamers so I could wipe.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
It was a strange night. I made out with his college roommate and said "do you care?" beforehand.
Randomize
