literally had 100 drinks last night.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you
Seriously. Castrate.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
