i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
Lots of explosions. Minor nudity. Full penetration and lots of tuxedos.
He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
Did you feel uncomfortable?
For a little while. Then I got really high and ate a bunch of animal crackers out of some dudes pocket while we chilled on their super comfortable couch.
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
he ended the message XOXO, who the fuck does he think he is GossipGirl.
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