He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just put a picture of dead dolphins on her wall...told her the oil spill was her fault.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
not that im pissed, but why are there two naked chicks in my bed?
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
I only live four blocks from the bar but when you're hammered this walk feels like the journey through Mordor.
Randomize
