She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
Well you finally jumped into that tree you've always wanted into and some girl gave you an 8.5. You were very happy.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
Randomize
