He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
judging by her collection of mens sweaters, shes fucked the entire lands end catalog.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I need to align my fucking chakras
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
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