in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
Haha he was not a poor little guy. If he'd talked to me or something I might feel bad. But since I saw him groping other girls as well as myself there's no sympathy coming from me
He's just picking out the right girl. I do the same thing with fruit. Grope them, squeeze them, smell them. I have to know I'm getting quality fruit.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
If you come home and I'm pantsless with cake smeared all over my face, I'm sorry.
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Who's phone is in my pants and why did I wake up clutching a handle of vlad?
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
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