Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I'm home alone drinking wine, so high, scrubbing my house down... This is what my thirsty thursday has become
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
We met behind our asshole boss's back with the intent to oust him from the company. If this revolution is a success, bring nachoes.
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