he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I just had mom give me advice about how and where to store my lube in my shower. It was super awkward. Of course, she also walked in on me masturbating once so I guess turnabout is fair play
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
