i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
I am currently watching him baptize himself in a baby pool with a handle of belvedere while wearing a coral dress.
I want to have sex with him.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I asked my boss to leave early for a booty call. She said yes. See.... everyone sees it's important I get laid.
Is it frowned upon to puke at Keeneland while you're betting on horses or is it just whatev
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
Well I finally got to say all the things I wanted to say. Including telling him he looks like a naked mole rat
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