craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Repeat. Dildo on the ceiling, confiscated potato shooter, and bottle of yegger. Repeat. Ceiling dildo and yegger.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I apparently used the line "I'm a bouncer too so i would know if I were too drunk" then they asked me to leave.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
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