My sheets look like a crime scene.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.
I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Now I have to go back and sober fuck him. For science.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Randomize
