I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
Just threw up in the MSO airport men's room. We're at that point this morning.
Sorry bud. Having a shitty day because the GF broke up with my wife and I. We really liked her too
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
My vagina is glad I'm back at work because it needs a vacation after working all through my vacation.
We had sex and I never took my mets hat off... I feel like Duda knows and approves.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I look like a hot mess, emphasis on the hot now, more emphasis on the mess later
Randomize
