Definitely still drunk while signing the 'responsible adult' form at the hospital
I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
You just kept yelling "SATAN!" at me every time I walked by
i will never coherently bang her
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Have you ever seen a midget fist pump? BEST. THING. EVERRRRR.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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