Just passed an anti-circumcision dude with a sign. Handing-out-bibles guy has been officially one-upped.
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
I haven't showered. And am sitting in the office smelling like a beer can someone's been using as an ash tray.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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