i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Hes pre-made beer lollipops so he "can suck before the sex" QUOTE!
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
All these girls I talk to are like I've never had a hangover and I'm like you don't drink right here let me show you
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
I smell like a brewery and I have been drinking for 7 hours. This seems like a perfect time to tell my husband I want a divorce.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
Randomize
