i thought she was just hairy. i didn't know she was also a man.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I don't get it. If he broke into Taco Bell at 2 am, then why couldn't he have brought me home a fucking taco???
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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