dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.
dont try to nair your balls. i speak from experience
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
I feel like I just rode a horse, did a million jumping jacks, ran a marathon and need a carton on cigarettes. best sex hands down... EVER
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
Randomize
