My roommate got wasted last night and went to the 24 hour Bally's Total Fitness at 3 A.M. He got back took his shirt off, made a protein shake, puked, asked me if he was almost as jacked as Ronnie Coleman then called ME gay before I could say anything and went to bed
Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%
And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.
I think I sprained my soul last night
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
You're 34. You can't make guys wait till the third date anymore. Step it up!
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
Randomize
