No, asshole. I'm not gay. But if I was I think I would do better than fucking Nick Lachey.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize
