My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
How do you politely bring up someone's criminal record?
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
SINCE WHEN WAS USING A FROZEN WATER BOTTLE ATTACHED TO A ROPE AS A THROWING WEAPON A GOOD IDEA??
Dude, half of south Mississippi has seen my taint. I'm not worried.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Randomize
