Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
OK...I gotta go get strawberry short cake cakes and knee pads
I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
she just announced that once she was paid to deep throat a light saber with a mint flavored condom on it. i'm speechless.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
Randomize
