Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Just disregard the tooth in the plastic bag in the fridge.
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
You had sex with a Scottish dude with a peg leg....how could I NOT tell that story??
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