You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I don't know, I don't really wanna ask the question, "Mom why am I not circumcised?"
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
The Swedes wanted a tensome.
Is it possible to get a DUI in a wheelchair that's not yours?
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
