my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
I woke up face down on my laptop with three windows open: itunes, chat roulette and redtube
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
If you get me so fucked up I can't use the microwave , I'm going to be so mad at you
You just said you hate yourself then sent me a picture of your friend's penis. Clearly this is a night of honesty.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Summers almost over and we haven't golfed, got naked or had sex yet. Let's do all three in one day, no particular order.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
He’s like an awkward walking penis that has a personality attached
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